STOP THE PRESSES! PEPITA WINS AGAIN! So yeah just change the headline to PEPITA WINS AGAIN and then restart the presses. I think it’s the green button.
That’s right, faithful readers, last night in the Magnet Arena the indomitable Pepita took on indie challengers Humphrey and emerged victorious for the third week in a row.
Instead of trash talking, Humphrey captain Justin offered Pepita his thanks for representing Latinos with honesty and complexity, but Pepita was not lured in by his compliments; she had neither seen Humphrey play, nor would she EVER see them play. She elected to perform second and returned to the sidelines where we can only assume she blindfolded herself.
Humphrey claimed the stage and selected Artsy. Their challenge was: Birdman – Your entire set is a contiguous tracking shot of one character walking through their day. Without hesitation Tim began a stationary walk towards the audience. The self-proclaimed “really fucking jumpy” ex-computer programmer was on his way to a job interview with Bill, a “racist piece of shit” manager. On his way he passed old classmates, old friends, and his cantankerous mother. The interview went… poorly for both interviewer and interviewee, but was captured in a cinematic hand-held shot circling the subjects. Everyone, cameramen included, struggled to defy the shitty advice of their anxious inner monologues. BUT WAIT. Was it all a daydream? Did Tim already get the job and did it have horrible benefits? Was his girlfriend already plotting self-violence to maintain their health insurance? Yes. Humphrey had a wild and sweaty set featuring flash cameos by Armando Diaz and Frank Bono…mote(?).
Next up was Pepita who selected Dumb. Her challenge was: The Toscars! – Your whole set is a lengthy, unnecessary, off brand Hollywood Awards show. Taking the suggestion of “the 1990s” she entered as host Melissa Joan Hart who had a horse once as a girl. The show was an awards show for horses and movies and what a glamorous event it was! Some of our favorite ‘90s musical acts were there–Counting Crows! Alanis Morissette! The Cranberries!–but not Pearl Jam. They hate horses. Eddie Vedder appeared live from his Malibu apartment to explain himself. The star studded evening continued with Courtney Cox dressed as a horse announcing Best Makeup Artist Making Horses Look More Like Horses, basketball player Shaq, who you might recognize from basketball, announcing the Special Effect category (winner: Seabiscuit: It’s All Happening Under Water), one of the daughters from Step by Step (sure!) announcing the Best Movie that Featured a Tiny Pony (I personally had money on the Itsy Bitsy Spider Horse). After the Horses We’ve Lost segment Alanis Morissette got in a fight with one of the stage hands and the large-featured man from Game of Thrones who has a scar and is always on horses announced the final category: Best Horse Movie of the 1990s (winner: Eddie Vedder).
Can Pepita pull off another win against 1 Deep?! Find out next Thursday at 11pm at the Magnet Theater! Until then, don’t forget that what we do in life echoes in eternity.